Pirates!
When I stepped off the train at Penzance after my long journey back from the Ayot Literary Festival (which was so enjoyable) I found myself surrounded by pirates. There were pirates everywhere. Hundreds, no, thousands of them. I gather, eavesdropping in the rough communal huddle that passes for a bus queue here in Cornwall, that there were 8700 of them, to be precise. A world record for the greatest number of pirates gathered in one place at one time. Yay! Penzance! Or should that be Arrrrrr…
I have to say some of the costumes were pretty darn good – lots of Jack Sparrow rip-offs (men itching to try out their girlfriend’s eyeliner for years and finally getting a good excuse), and plenty of salty wenches in off-the-shoulder blouses and hooped earrings (but then, Penzance is the Chav capital of West Cornwall). There were bendy cutlasses aplenty, and fake parrots lurching drunkenly from shoulders. No scimitars though – it seems only Abdel does Barbary corsair (with some aplomb, as you might imagine). Rather a lot were default “pirates” in the sort of “costumes” you might cobble together from what you might find in the back of the wardrobe: stripy T-shirts, cut-off shorts and bandanas, and some attempts were desultory in the extreme. I mean what self-respecting pirate would wear flipflops? Or worse, fit-flops?! Or, chaviest of all, neon Crocs? (shudder) To say these efforts were half-hearted would be generous. Quarter – or maybe eigthth-hearted would be nearer the mark.
But as the bus drew into Newlyn, things took a properly piratical turn. These chaps actually looked as if they lived in their outfits, got blood and fish scales and salt stains on them. Looked as if they got into fights at the Swordfish inn in them. Did dodgy deals for contraband at the Red Lion in them. One dandy was wearing a faded velvet waistcoat and honest-to-god breeches. And battered buckle-shoes. I looked for a sword, but he must have stowed it with his stash. There were pirates hanging over the railing above the harbour in the sunshine necking rum and ale and smoking suspicious-looking roll-ups. And shouldering babies which had clearly been stolen from prams parked outside the Co-op and were now destined to be shipped out to the white-slave markets in North Africa…
I’m home, I thought, grinning. Now, where did I put my eyepatch and pistol?


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